One thing about a bad economy, scammers, being glass-half-full folks, see a glorious opportunity to relieve us of our hard-earned cash. In the last three weeks I’ve entertained three wonderful offers from those fine people but, fortunately, didn’t bite on any of them.

Of all of them, I must say the first was actually a novel approach. I received a call from a woman who identified herself as being with a service that transcribes two-way conversations for the hearing impaired. Sounds like a wonderful service and may, in fact, be legitimate (how would they know if the person on the other end isn’t deaf, anyway?). Her client was about to make an offer on a vehicle my wife and I had recently listed on a site that specializes in pairing classic cars with buyers. Our car, a 1983 Mazda RX-7, was now a “classic” vehicle, 25 years old, still working well and looking good. She would read to me what he wrote and I would voice-respond, slowly, so she could type my words to her client.

“Is your car still available? How much will you take for it?” she read.

“Twenty-seven hundred dollars,” I said (it was what we’d listed the car for). She typed my reply and waited for the next words from the guy on the other side.

“OK,” she read, presumably from the “buyer’s” text. “I’ll offer you $2700 for the vehicle. I’ll need your full address so I’ll know where to send the Cashier’s check.”

My elation over actually selling this white elephant was immediately dashed. I spoke slowly so the woman wouldn’t miss anything. “I’d rather just take your credit card, sir, or you could wire the funds from your bank to mine.”

“I have a very busy schedule (so?), and Cashier’s checks is how I do business. After you get the check I’ll notify my shipping company to come and get the vehicle.” Bells were going off in my head so loudly that it was difficult to hear the poor woman who was reading the conversation, but I thought I’d play along a bit, just to see where this would go.

“OK. A Cashier’s check is fine, but be advised I’ll not release the vehicle until I’m certain the check is legitimate.” I’m sure he was thinking that I thought “until the funds are available” which takes about three days, but what I meant was “until I’m sure the check is real,” which can take a month or longer.

I sent him my contact information and he replied that he would be sending additional funds that I was to forward to his “shipping agent.” Fat chance. I emailed back that I didn’t want to do that, to which he replied that “I have a very busy schedule” and “that’s the only way I can do this.” I relied that he was “SOL,” and that was the end of it.

Of the other two, the first was rather innocuous, promising an ongoing fashion shoot for a great, metropolitan magazine. The client would send a Cashier’s check of $450 as an advance against my day rate (which they never asked about) and all I had to do was forward $200 of that to the shoot’s “Production Manager,” who would then book all the models, makeup artists and stylists and tell me where and when I was supposed to be ready. ROFLMAO!

The final current scam attempt was this, and I’ll include the original email because it’s, well, rather hilarious (I’ve deleted just a few details):

Greetings!
I am Stephen (deleted) from Holland, I came across your profile after an effortless search for a professional photographer. We are relocating to my new house that I just buy in USA, I mean I and my wife and children on May 15, 2009, but I will be celebrating my birthday on June 15, 2009, So I want your service on my birthday June 15, 2009.

My address which the birthday party will take place is below:

Marine Saint Croix
(deleted)
55047

That is my house address that I just buy and moving from Holland to in USA.

The birthday party will start 12pm to 4pm, so you can arrive the same day to our house if you like, or you can arrive at our house day for the party, just let me know which one you wish to do, but my house have adjacent rooms which you can stay in one of them if you like to come for the day of party. I invited 30 friends and that is all we are expecting on the day.

So let me know your charges rate for the party including the Airfare or your transportation amount, and let me know the amount all together, so I can arrange for the payment in time and you can be able to book the day for my Birthday Party.

I’m attending a Conference here in Beijing China now so you can reach me on this mobile number +869(deleted) Anytime from Monday to Sunday.

Thanks.

I wrote him back that my fee for his four hour birthday party would be $4000.00. His reply:

Hello Again,

Thank you so much for getting back to me in time, And i’m highly sorry for not geting back to you since, is just because I have been attending meetings. I really think your price is reasonable and I will like you to be my photographer of the day,i will contact my personal assistant to make the Deposit payment out to you as soon as possible inform of Money Order or Certified Cashier’s Check which is the only way I can made the payment out to you, for the security reason and it will be easier for you to cash instantly at your bank, since it will be United States check as well.

I can only pay 50percent of your total amount and I promised to pay the rest of your money immediately you arrive on the day before starting anything. So I will need your full name and address for the payment, so the payment can be out to you as soon as possible, so you can have the date booked for my birthday party.

I dont know if you can write an agreement form in which I will sign and send it back to you, so both of us will have the agreement form with our self’s. Please if that is possible, you should write the agreement form inform of MICROSOFT WORD only, so I can have it signed easily and send it back to you.

I will be waiting for the full name and address with your phone number in which the payment will be made to.I’m attending a Conference here in China and i will be happy if you can call for incase you have any question or email me, i will answer you immediately,this is my number: +861(deleted, but it’s a different number).

Well, doggone it. Here I had high hopes for a good month before the economy went completely into the tank. I do wish these folks would learn English, though, just for grins.

I’m hoping he’ll email again, wondering why I haven’t gotten back to him. There’s only about three weeks ‘til his birthday – plenty of time to get that Cashier’s check and send a bunch of it to the “caterer” or the “party planner,” maybe even Bozo the Clown (who’s either the scammer or an accomplice).